So a week or two ago(I really don't know when, I've lost track of time this summer) it was hot and we wanted cool cold food for dinner. This is unusual, because most of the time we can't shake that tradition of eating a hot meal for dinner because it's more satisfying. Just like we like to eat meat, starch, and sometimes veggies if we can fit them into the meal.
So one night the Food Pimp Extraordinaire whipped up a quick thai beef salad. Then the next night, or two nights later, possibly, he whipped up a cucumber and chickpea salad. Both very delicious and still satisfying, even for our seemingly neverending appetites.
So, recipes, ah, recipes from the Food Pimp. I claim the right to artistic license as a writer, but I will approximate what the Food Pimp made...
Thai Beef Salad in the Impersonation of the Food Pimp
"Uh, so usually I just like to cut and paste a recipe from the internet and change everything a little bit so it doesn't make sense. Then you know that it's my own recipe. So Thai Beef Salad. Thai food is one of those cuisines that I get addicted to, and I just need the flavor, especially a lot of the hot chilis. But when I make it at home, I just make the chili sauce on the side with the soy and vinegar, because the Food Ho can't handle the spice like I can. Well, I don't know if you want to say handle it, because I definitely have unpleasant spice ass the few days after I eat all those chilis (this is one of those areas where I take artistic license)."
"Anyway, it's really simple. You just get some steak. You season it, and you sear it. Then you make the salad with cucumber, thin sliced red onion, lime juice, fish sauce, sesame oil, mint, soy sauce and olive oil. Just, you know, mix it all together and make it taste good. Measurements (pronounced maysurements because he's from Western Pennsylvania)? Nah, nah, the FP doesn't roll like that. Maysurements are for the guys with the glasses and pocket protectors."
Cucumber and Chickpea Salad
"This is a vegetarian dish for your hippie friends. Only once you invite them into your house, they're kind of like vampires and they'll set up camp in your livingroom and form a drum circle and do impromptu poetry readings, so be careful."
"This is a delicious salad, to toot my own horn. I do that a lot - figuratively and literally. Actually, my parents sent me my trumpet from junior high school when I was in band. I need to learn how to play that shit - that would be fucking awesome."
"So here's the deal. You take cucumber and you slice it. Peel it? Well, taste it. If the peel is bitter, then peel it. If not, keep it on. These cucumbers that I've been getting at Pancho's, I mean Whole Foods have been really sweet lately. So slice it up. You know, however you like - half moons, on the bias, blue stars, yellow hearts, pink rainbows...you eat Lucky Charms? I used to love Lucky Charms as a kid. We didn't have much good cereal in the county market as a kid, so when we went to Dubois - Do Boys - we would go to the big store and buy fancy groceries like Lucky Charms. It was a special treat."
"So you've cut up your cucumber, then you want some red onion. Nice thin slices. No one wants those big raw chunks. Just slice it up. Then some tomatoes. Chunks. You know, the same size as the cucumbers. Then chop up a bunch of cilantro. You know, don't be afraid to just rough chop it. It's okay to still distinguish that it's cilantro. It's part of the salad, not a garnish. There's this one restaurant on the Westbank in New Orleans that had this jellyfish, pork and shrimp salad. They would put whole cilantro leaves in it. It was delicious. I miss New Orleans. :( (artistic license)"
"So you got all your veggies hanging out in the bowl. Get those chickpeas in there too. Open up the can and dump them in. Chop up some ginger too. Lots of it. Big enough chunks so you can bite into it. Then put whatever you want in to make the dressing. Say, lime juice, soy sauce, fish sauce. You know, whatever you have in the house. I'm sure it will be great. Everything's great! San Diego is great! I love my life! I hate myself. Thank you very much. I play here every Tuesday. Look up my wife's blog online. Let me text her and ask her what the website is. It's like thefoodho.blogspot.com or something. Just Google the food ho. It's a great blog. Really funny. She's really funny but I like to tell her that she's not."